Out of the mouth of an old lady

Earlier this week, I went to visit my almost 94 year old Grandma.  You may (or may not) remember that she is now in a nursing home.  She lived alone, fell a lot and refused to use her Life Alert (Help me, I’ve fallen and I can’t get up).   Push came to shove and after breaking her neck (she fell and broke it – no one did it for her.  Don’t the wrong idea.) she had no choice in the matter.

She always was a crabby old lady – except towards her grandchildren – but now she is down right BITTER.  You make shake your heads at this but I only visit about once a month and I keep the visits to about 45 minutes – max.

With Avery out of town with Hubby, I thought it would be a nice opportunity for Grandma to see Carson (not for the first time, folks).  So I got dressed up – hair and makeup included – and loaded up the boy and hit the road.  (I make it sound like it was cross country – but really it’s only 30 minutes away – although in Avery’s eyes that’s long enough to pack a snack and a drink, maybe even lunch)

I told my Grandma I’d be there about 11 – knowing full well that she has to go to the dining room at 11:45.  I am evil, yes I know.  Well wouldn’t you know, Carson pooped right before we left and needed a little TLC…so I pulled into the parking lot at 11:05.  I walk into Grandma’s hallway and she is standing outside her door…waiting.  Lurking.  Seething.

“Well, there you are.  I wondered if you were ever going to get here.”

And so the visit begins.

We settle in on the sofa and I get Carson out for her to hold him.  She is thrilled at gooing and cooing over the boy.  He is damn cute and his smile is killer.  Pretend to nibble his toes and he’ll adore you forever.  And here it is – 10 minutes into the visit and not one.single.solitary complaint.  WOW!!!!!  This is wonderful.

Then she turns to me, as I sit there in my cute wrap dress, and pokes my stomach and says…wait for it…

“What’s going on with you?  You look like you’re about to have another one.”

With all the restraint I could summon from the gods, I managed to not utter one.fucking.word.  I simply smiled and said “No, Grandma, I’m not having another one.”  And I changed the damn subject.

Visit continues without incident.

For about 42 seconds.

“I just don’t know what they expect me to do around here.”  (In my head, I am thinking about all of the activities on the board RIGHT.OUTSIDE.HER.ROOM)

“I just can’t talk to these other inmates. Half are deaf and the other half can’t speak.”

“And the food is lousy here.”  Really, Grandma?  Because everytime I see you it appears that you are gaining a little extra.  Maybe I should ask you if you are going to have a baby???

But the piece de resistance…the really truly I can’t believe you just said that moment – came right before I left.  Oh.my.god – I can’t believe that my GRANDMA said this.

She is telling me about how she cruises the hallways with her walker and one of the guys calls her Speedy Gonzeales.  And she said…

“Well, I have to do something with my legs since I can’t wrap them around my husband anymore.”

Ewwww…now there’s an image.

Maybe it will be two months before I go back.


3 thoughts on “Out of the mouth of an old lady

  1. Oh EWWWW on that last comment…I LOVE old ladies, have been working in a nursing home for 11 years, but Oh, nasty when they talk about sex….

    Yeah, I’d keep those visits few and far between.

    My grandma is 94 and still kicking in a nursing home, I could visit once a week or once a year and she wouldn’t know the difference.

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